Consider the following two letters, same words, different punctuation:
Dear Jack,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?
Jill
Dear Jack,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men I yearn! For you I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Jill
Pretty funny, no?
It's all from Lynne Truss' book Eats, Shoots & Leaves, a bestseller all about punctuation. Witty book and highly recommended.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Literotica Contest
Announcing the first in a series, the NATAB Literotica Contest. Blog authors must submit and post a work of original literotica of no more than 1000 words to be judged by vote of general readership! Submissions are due by 6:00 PM Friday, August 15.
The sweet smell of sweet breads.
Crystal swore under her recently freshened breath as her high heel cracked beneath her. The gum in her mouth caught in the back of her throat and she gagged like a cat expelling a recently formed hair ball. Although she had experienced many embarrassing moments in her life - like the time at the University of Florida when she accidentally walked into a wet t-shirt contest on her way to an interview, forcing her to show up with her white oxford sticking translucently to her dark, hershey kiss shaped nipples - this might be the worst one yet. As her smooth, tanned leg folded underneath her, the skirt her much shorter roommate had lent her crept up her backside, revealing the red lace of her skimpy thong.
"Shit. Shit. Shit." She mumbled, trying to right herself, pull down her skirt, take off her heels, and mask the gag with a series of small coughs while maintaining some semblance of grace and poise. Just as she had finally stood up and put herself back together, sans shoes, she heard a noise behind her.
"Ahem."
She turned around. Standing behind her was the most gorgeous man she had ever seen. He was tall, with the broad shoulders of a lumber jack. His neck bulged with lean, sinewy muscles and his skin was dark and musty against the pale pink of his button down shirt. He was smiling at her with a Cheshire Cat grin, his white teeth shining like a row of perfectly groomed soldiers, saluting her and mocking her at the same time. A dark stubble covered the landscape of his tanned cheeks and his eyes shone with the bright blue of precious sapphires.
"I was going to help you up," he purred at her, a lion sizing up his lunch. "But it was more fun to watch you help yourself."
Crystal was flabbergasted. Not only was this man absolutely stunning, with a vibrating charm that pulsed with sexuality, his voice dripped over her like sweet molasses, hardening around her vocal cords and making it impossible for her to answer. This man just saw my thong, she thought, and wondered if she was more mortified or more turned on.
"Listen," he continued, "where do you need to go?"
She swallowed carefully and told him the name of the woman with whom she was supposed to be meeting. "Well, you'll need to take the elevator," he answered, and with one, strong, muscular hand he took her elbow and guided her roughly through the open doors.
As they watched the numbers climb towards the fourteenth floor, where Crystal knew she would have to get off, something came over her. Maybe it was the way the small, dark hairs of his chest beckoned playfully from the top of his shirt. Maybe it was the forceful manner in which he had led her into the elevator. Maybe it was the sweet smell of his cologne or the sour tang of his breath. Whatever it was, Crystal did something she had never done before. Something she had never thought she would ever do. She pressed the emergency button and stopped the elevator.
She turned back around and saw the same look of amusement and appreciation in the man's eyes. He crept toward her like a cat about to pounce on his prey. Her round, perky breasts rose and fell quickly as she stood there, waiting for what seemed like an eternity for him to touch her. He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her toward her. She felt his bulge thicken against her thigh as he lightly pulled on the skin of her neck with his teeth. Beads of sweat flowed between her breasts, down her taut, glistening abdomen as she buried her fingers in his thick, curly brown hair. "Take me," she groaned as his tongue darted in and out, teasing the essence of her aching womanhood.
He worked his way slowly down, from her ear lobe to the v of skin that her shirt revealed. Then he carefully unbuttoned each button, biting her gently and sucking softly on her breasts and stomach. She moaned and felt her red thong dampen between her legs. The stranger responded by pulling her leg up around his waist and pressing her hard against the elevator wall. He let his fingers trace the valley behind her knee, trail up the back of her thigh, and feel the moist wetness of her vagina. He let one finger explore the area, then two, then three. Before she knew it, his entire fist was inside of her, causing explosions of pleasure to devastate her body like an atomic test ground. He allowed her to teeter on the brink of orgasm, and then he pulled out his fist and grabbed her arm, telling her gruffly to lie down on her stomach. She did so, panting with anticipation as he carefully pulled her skirt up towards her head and pulled her thong down around her ankles. He entered her from behind, thrusting so deep she felt like he was touching her soul with his glistening, gigantic member. Quickly, she felt the blood rushing between her thighs, the exquisite pain of her orgasm pulsing under her skin, up her body, and out her fingers. She screamed. She couldn't help it. But he wasn't quite done. Just as he came, he pulled out his bratwurst and she felt the warmth of his semen spilling over her soft, prostrate buttocks. It dripped down her like opalescent tear drops, leaving a pearly trail of passion.
The stranger stood up and pulled his pants back on. He restarted the elevator as Crystal pushed down her skirt and put on her underwear. Just as they reached the fourteenth floor, he pulled her towards him, kissed her hard and long on the mouth, and whispered in her ear:
"Nice underwear."
"Shit. Shit. Shit." She mumbled, trying to right herself, pull down her skirt, take off her heels, and mask the gag with a series of small coughs while maintaining some semblance of grace and poise. Just as she had finally stood up and put herself back together, sans shoes, she heard a noise behind her.
"Ahem."
She turned around. Standing behind her was the most gorgeous man she had ever seen. He was tall, with the broad shoulders of a lumber jack. His neck bulged with lean, sinewy muscles and his skin was dark and musty against the pale pink of his button down shirt. He was smiling at her with a Cheshire Cat grin, his white teeth shining like a row of perfectly groomed soldiers, saluting her and mocking her at the same time. A dark stubble covered the landscape of his tanned cheeks and his eyes shone with the bright blue of precious sapphires.
"I was going to help you up," he purred at her, a lion sizing up his lunch. "But it was more fun to watch you help yourself."
Crystal was flabbergasted. Not only was this man absolutely stunning, with a vibrating charm that pulsed with sexuality, his voice dripped over her like sweet molasses, hardening around her vocal cords and making it impossible for her to answer. This man just saw my thong, she thought, and wondered if she was more mortified or more turned on.
"Listen," he continued, "where do you need to go?"
She swallowed carefully and told him the name of the woman with whom she was supposed to be meeting. "Well, you'll need to take the elevator," he answered, and with one, strong, muscular hand he took her elbow and guided her roughly through the open doors.
As they watched the numbers climb towards the fourteenth floor, where Crystal knew she would have to get off, something came over her. Maybe it was the way the small, dark hairs of his chest beckoned playfully from the top of his shirt. Maybe it was the forceful manner in which he had led her into the elevator. Maybe it was the sweet smell of his cologne or the sour tang of his breath. Whatever it was, Crystal did something she had never done before. Something she had never thought she would ever do. She pressed the emergency button and stopped the elevator.
She turned back around and saw the same look of amusement and appreciation in the man's eyes. He crept toward her like a cat about to pounce on his prey. Her round, perky breasts rose and fell quickly as she stood there, waiting for what seemed like an eternity for him to touch her. He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her toward her. She felt his bulge thicken against her thigh as he lightly pulled on the skin of her neck with his teeth. Beads of sweat flowed between her breasts, down her taut, glistening abdomen as she buried her fingers in his thick, curly brown hair. "Take me," she groaned as his tongue darted in and out, teasing the essence of her aching womanhood.
He worked his way slowly down, from her ear lobe to the v of skin that her shirt revealed. Then he carefully unbuttoned each button, biting her gently and sucking softly on her breasts and stomach. She moaned and felt her red thong dampen between her legs. The stranger responded by pulling her leg up around his waist and pressing her hard against the elevator wall. He let his fingers trace the valley behind her knee, trail up the back of her thigh, and feel the moist wetness of her vagina. He let one finger explore the area, then two, then three. Before she knew it, his entire fist was inside of her, causing explosions of pleasure to devastate her body like an atomic test ground. He allowed her to teeter on the brink of orgasm, and then he pulled out his fist and grabbed her arm, telling her gruffly to lie down on her stomach. She did so, panting with anticipation as he carefully pulled her skirt up towards her head and pulled her thong down around her ankles. He entered her from behind, thrusting so deep she felt like he was touching her soul with his glistening, gigantic member. Quickly, she felt the blood rushing between her thighs, the exquisite pain of her orgasm pulsing under her skin, up her body, and out her fingers. She screamed. She couldn't help it. But he wasn't quite done. Just as he came, he pulled out his bratwurst and she felt the warmth of his semen spilling over her soft, prostrate buttocks. It dripped down her like opalescent tear drops, leaving a pearly trail of passion.
The stranger stood up and pulled his pants back on. He restarted the elevator as Crystal pushed down her skirt and put on her underwear. Just as they reached the fourteenth floor, he pulled her towards him, kissed her hard and long on the mouth, and whispered in her ear:
"Nice underwear."
Monday, August 11, 2008
Homer Simpson Euro
MADRID (Reuters) - A one euro coin has turned up in Spain bearing the face of cartoon couch potato Homer Simpson instead of that of the country's king, a sweetshop owner told Reuters on Friday.
Jose Martinez was counting the cash in his till in the city of Aviles, northern Spain, when he came across the coin where Homer's bald head, big eyes and big nose had replaced the serious features of King Juan Carlos.
"The coin must have been done by a professional, the work is impressive," he told Reuters.
The comical carver had not taken his tools to the other side of the coin displaying the map of Europe. So far, no other coins of the hapless, beer-swilling oaf have been found in circulation.
"I've been offered 20 euros for it," said Martinez.
Zeitgeist
Zeitgeist, the newest Smashing Pumpkins album, was released in the U.S. on July 10, 2007. I remember Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness mostly for the singles, especially Bullet with Butterfly Wings. What I notice most about this release is the totally recognizable and unique sound of Billy Corgan's work. More so than almost any other album I'm listening to right now, Zeitgeist is a coherent album rather than a collection of songs. This is, of course, partly due to the fact that the Pumpkins' sound is so unusual, but I have the feeling that many of the songs from Siamese Dream or Mellon Collie wouldn't sound right on this album. It's like a planet, and each track is a different aerial shot. Songs like Neverlost and Bleeding the Orchid are like high aerial shots, surveying the planet and setting the tone of the rest of the album.
Both remind me of the Pixies "Where is My Mind," especially in terms of the haunting choral background. In both cases the effect is to create a haunting, wide open atmosphere that imparts a sense of yearning to the music. Amongst these album defining tracks are others like "Bring the Light." If Neverlost is an aerial survey of a country, Bring the Light is a snapshot of a city block: a different sound and feeling, but undeniably part of the larger whole.
I especially like the solo at 2:00 of this song. It's got the usual guitar layering, but what I really like is that it's a short, punchy, powerful solo set in a much more wandering soundscape. The way it drives the song for 20 seconds is a really cool contrast to the solo at the end of Neverlost, which rides along with the background rather than cutting through it. There are little quirks like this all over the album; right when you think you're descending into a melancholy abyss, you're woken up with angry hard rock. Though it's not always what you'd expect, Zeitgeist is a really satisfying listen as an entire album. Do yourself a favor and throw it on headphones when you have a chance to listen to the whole thing uninterrupted. The first few times I listened to it piecemeal I was totally unimpressed, but since getting a sense for the whole thing its been one of my favorite albums.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Paris Hilton
I love Paris Hilton. Most people don't know that she inherited less than five million dollars. Now that's not peanuts, but there are literally thousands of kids in their late teens and twenties who inherit that much money and would kill to be Paris Hilton. She's taken no discernible skill or talent and built an empire. She's hugely rich now, and its almost all self made. Fuckin' a right. And it's pretty sad that she has a more intelligent take on energy policy than John McCain. Our. Country. Is. Fucked.
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